If you’re used to connecting with your partner over a glass of wine, then Valentine’s Day – and other romantic occasions – can sometimes be daunting. For example, many of you will be very familiar with those moments in life when the kids are finally in bed, the chaos has subsided and a drink together is the precious moment you have to bond and relax. And soon this ritual becomes the way that you connect. But now you’ve made a big change in your intent with alcohol. What to do when one of the more romantic occasions of the year rolls around?

My wife and I decided to stop drinking about four years ago, and while other lifestyle changes have come and gone (the vegan life is definitely an acquired taste), we still haven’t touched a drink. We even got married since giving up alcohol – surely the most romantic time for a must-have glass of Champagne if the zeitgeist is to be followed.

So I like to think I might have a feel for sober romance, although it’s difficult to distill whether there’s any singular cornerstone to achieving this because every relationship is unique. I know I’m lucky that we’ve both decided to make this change, but I’ve tried to keep the ideas broad for different relationships. And, if you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, we wrote a post last year about embracing that single life with open arms.

If your partner is skeptical about your lifestyle changes, this is an amazing time to prove the value of such a decision. Make the day special and you’re showing them, “hey, I’m trying to make myself better and I want you to know that our relationship is one of the important reasons I’m doing it.” Show them the energy and creativity it has lent you; that you can be even more fun and engaged and that there are many truly nourishing options out there to build your relationship that don’t require sharing a drink.

Conversely, all of this applies – perhaps even more so – if the shoe is on the other foot. If your partner is having a tough time with their relationship with alcohol, or any other pressures in life, today is the day to really go out of your way to celebrate them and what they mean in your relationship.

The secret, I believe, is not seeing Valentine’s Day as something to tick off. Rather, it’s an annual reminder to really engage with our romantic interest. What Christmas represents for the whole family, Valentine’s Day can represent for couples.

So, let’s plan out the day …

Valentine’s Day Morning: Sober

At risk of stating the obvious, if your significant other enjoys a good sleep-in then your first order of the day is to be on breakfast-in-bed duty. Don’t just go for business as usual; this isn’t the day for Cheerios unless that’s their guilty pleasure. You’ll want to make an appreciable effort with that amazing morning energy you’re regaining from a better relationship with alcohol. What’s their favourite breakfast or brunch option? Show off your culinary skills, and if they’re lacking, well, it’s the effort that counts. Alternatively, maybe their favourite is from a local cafe they love, so is there a way to pick it up or have it delivered?

In my own relationship, we like to exchange cards in the morning. It provides for a pause in a busy schedule to reflect and set intentions together while our heads are fresh and the noise of daily life hasn’t dulled our sensibilities. To sometimes hilariously mixed results, we also tend to hand-make these cards – in fact, this display of thought and effort is our only Valentine’s Day ‘gift’ to each other. Relationships are more important than consumption, although a box of chocolates every now and then can’t hurt.

If you’re anything like us, after a few blissful minutes the day will start to rapidly pick up the pace. Maybe the kids are bouncing around and due to go to school, or the puppy has peed on the floor because you forgot about it in the midst of your breakfast-in-bed cooking excitement. Does your partner typically take on these duties? Try to do much of them yourself today – or, better yet, get the kids in on your scheme and have them help make the morning one to remember.

Finally, without sounding like an advertising campaign, try to find opportunities to remind your partner why they’re special to you throughout the morning and day. And remember, while you might hit the jackpot, don’t expect anything in return. That’s not the point. You’re celebrating your relationship and your love, and your own effort is the only thing you can control. So thrive in it.

For working couples, the morning will be well gone by the time you get through all of this. Don’t try to be too ambitious! Stress does not make for good romance. Do what you can for each other, then get into the day.

Valentine’s Daytime: Sober

This is the difficult part, because many of us probably have jobs or other daily commitments to go to. There are two options here: you could postpone the day to have a bonus, end-to-end Valentine’s day on the weekend, or make your best effort with the day you’re given. I’m a fan of the latter, but if you’ve managed to fill an entire Valentine’s Day, please do let us all know your tips in the comments! We also published some ideas a few years ago.

Some of the standard recommendations apply here. If you can afford it, a bunch of flowers delivered to your love’s desk is an unexpected moment of joy. This can be even more true if you’ve never done anything like this before – the surprise alone will be received as a one of your better romantic gestures.

Do you work close together? Or is one of you allowed more flexibility during the day? Getting lunch together as a break in the work day is probably very novel to you by this point – life gets busy and other work-related commitments tend to get in the way of doing such everyday activities together. If it’s possible, try to make this work today. Meeting at a favourite venue when you’ve both come from different directions can tend to bring a small hit of the excitement you were once familiar with while you were dating – that experience of being two independent people with all your owns things going on, but choosing to come together for a date. You’ll certainly have a spring in your step as you return to the afternoon with only a few hours until home time.

Otherwise, it’s time to get creative. Work constraints are tricky to deal with, but the most challenging problems in life are often the greatest opportunities. Perhaps you’ve packed your partner’s lunch and took the opportunity to sneak something else into their bag, such as a letter or photo. If you’re brave enough, you can spam them with cute messages as if you’re engaged in a wide-eyed high school romance, or drip photos of favourite relationship memories through to them every hour. The possibilities are as broad as your mind.

Valentine’s Evening: still no wine

While the earlier sections of the day might generally lend themselves to the gesture of you putting in all the effort, the evening is the best time to collaborate on a shared experience – unless you really want to plan the whole day yourself, in which case, all power to you!

The key here is to ask: what do you most enjoy doing together? What settings created the right environment for bonding in the early days of your relationship, or where do you have special memories together?

You don’t have to go to a restaurant, unless that is genuinely what gets you both going. I, for one, am guilty as charged for regularly taking this easy option. Food is amazing.

But you also might like to consider something like ice skating, if you’re in the northern hemisphere, or a ballroom dancing class or something equally as novel. Are there surprising little local opportunities you can wrangle? For example, a big media fan might even try to guest host the local radio station for an evening. You laugh, but I happen to know this trick …

Is there anything else you’re thinking of? Again, the idea here is to celebrate your relationship and spend quality time together. So striving too hard and getting worked up about it is not a good idea.

But follow all of this as loosely as you like and even the prospect of a glass of wine will seem like a minor concern. Depending on how well the day goes, it may even help to strengthen your resolve.

Often, the reason that we get into drinking socially as we come of age is that it makes us more confident. We are at a time in our lives when we may have fragile self-esteem and we are still figuring out what kind of person we are. This liquid courage gives us a glimpse into what it’s like to not care so much about what people think and to let our guard down and open up to others.

When we drink, our brains release dopamine, the chemical that we experience when we get a promotion, play sports, compete in things – it makes us feel powerful and confident. Alcohol also reduces our inhibitions, so the part of our brain that inhibits behaviour doesn’t work as well, which means we are more likely to make impulsive decisions instead of thinking them through.

But without alcohol, how could I possibly pick up?

This boosted confidence can help us when it comes to dating. It can be hard to approach someone you are attracted to, especially in this day and age where people are stuck to their screens and rely on dating apps to communicate. What do we even say? Will they think we are weird for just going up to them? Alcohol gives you this new-found sense of ‘fuck it, I have nothing to lose’. You walk right up to them with a spring in your step and often you say anything you want to say. But that can sometimes backfire. When you’re intoxicated you may not be able to pick up on social queues or someone not being into you. You may also mistake real connection with lust and do something you regret in the morning. Sometimes the people who meet when they are both drinking need the alcohol to be able to connect. Without it, there is not really anything deeper there.

Wouldn’t it be great to be the confident, best version of yourself in a social situation and not have to rely on alcohol to do the job for you?

A lot of the time we put this pressure on ourselves to perform and be a fun, bubbly person all the time when we are out and about. However, sometimes, that just isn’t us and that pressure can turn into drinking for the wrong reasons.

So, how can I be confident without alcohol?

Breathe

Breathing deeply can help calm the nervous system. When you want to approach someone or you need to be extroverted for an event, taking long, deep breaths can help make you feel calm and ready to take on the situation.

Be happy with who you are

It is all about having self-confidence. If you believe that you are not smart enough, not attractive enough, not funny enough, then others will believe this too. Try to accept yourself and focus on what you ARE good at, and what you offer instead of what you lack.

Move your body!

Exercise makes you feel sexier. Physical activity releases endorphins and makes you feel strong and fit, which helps you feel better about how you look because you are feeling great on the inside!

Be friendly and approachable

When socialising, it is always better to be friendly and warm to people, be interested in them and ask questions. You could offer a little bit about yourself and try to find some common ground of connection. Try to smile at people more when you are out. This will help people be more attracted to you and want to talk or hang around you more, which will boost your self-confidence.

Notice the self-destructive mind chatter

Acknowledge when you start talking to yourself in a negative way. For example, you could meet someone you wanted to ask out on a date and you automatically start thinking, ‘oh, they will never like me, I’m not (insert self-deprecation adjective here)’. Notice if you start doing this and change that sentence around. Try thinking something like, ‘there is a great chance they will be into me because I am a really caring person and I have a great smile’.

Dress to impress (yourself)

Wear something that makes you feel the most comfortable and stylish. Your favourite shirt or a dress that hugs the right places. Apply your favourite scent and put on shoes that you love. Dressing up doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out and buy a really expensive outfit. It is about wearing whatever you feel the best and most comfortable in. If you can’t walk in the 11-inch heels, put on some flat sandals so you can dance all night long instead of rubbing your feet at the table or walking home, shoes in hand.

Real connections

When you are not drinking too much you actually have more chance of making real and lasting connections with someone. You listen better and you can take in what they are saying. You get to know them and they get to know you, so the next time you run into them or see them out, you’ll remember something they told you and it’s not all a blur.

You don’t have to always be confident

Maybe you are not the most extroverted person in the room and that is okay. Alcohol doesn’t have to be used as a tool to help you come out of your shell. If that’s just not who you are then you don’t have to use a drug to make you be someone you are not. If you want to rock up to an event and eat some food and say hi to a few people and then leave, then you do you.

It’s okay to fail

Not getting the client, not winning the girl – it is okay if you are rejected or you don’t succeed. You cannot always get what you want and, mostly, it is for the better. Make way for new things and learn to be humble.

So it’s Friday night and you get a text from the guy/girl you’ve recently given your number to. ‘Would u like to go out for a drink’ asks your charming suitor. But you’re not so sure. You’d love to hang out with him/her, but you’re now questioning whether this drinking and dating business is all it’s sought out to be. Maybe you don’t drink at all. Or maybe you are just taking a booze break for the moment.

Where to go from here?

Dating without drinking is hard. How do you quell the pre-date jitters that will inevitably encroach? What if your date is a drinker and feels uncomfortable? We’ve considered these issues and have a few pointers about how you can date sober, and have a great time while you’re at it.

Dating without alcohol

1. How to meet people when you’re dating sober?

Short answer: Tinder

Let’s be honest, Tinder has changed the way we date forever. The simple fact that you don’t need to ‘head out’ to meet people, cramped in a musty, boisterous bar, is game changing. And we’re not the only ones interested in the cultural phenomenon that is Tinder. The app is now so firmly embedded in the zeitgeist that there is both a song dedicated to it and a film being written about it. And if Tinder is not your flavour, there’s Match.com, okcupid, Happn and a plethora of other matchmaking technologies to try out. As superficial or awkward it might feel at first, these dating apps provide you a chance to meet people you wouldn’t have otherwise come across, say, at a bar. As this blog describes, Tinder presents a microcosm of what happens in the real offline dating world.

But honestly, almost anywhere else

Have you ever eyed someone that strikes your fancy while in line at the grocery store? Or when you’re on the train or at the gym. The thing is, when you start dating without alcohol you realise that you’re almost always on your A-game. Yes, it takes guts. But you’ve got them! Just go for it.

2. What to do on a date besides go out for drinks?

While the default date might be drinks, there are actually a ton of other options to consider. The classic alternatives are of course coffee/dinner dates. Good standard date fare, you know more or less what to expect. But if you want to think outside the box, some options could include a visit to the museum, hiking, a peruse at the farmers markets or live music. Another good idea is to check out if there is anything interesting happening in your town like sporting events or film festivals.

Another date activity which seems to be gaining a bit of popularity is the active date. Whether it is rock climbing or dancing that tickles your fancy, active dates bring the goods by helping you get to know each other better. Plus there might be some advantages to getting your heart rate up when you’re courting as per the Misattribution theory of arousal. The idea is that your brain mistakenly attributes your increased heart rate to the physiological responses elicited by the body’s erm…arousal response, and as a result, both of you are more likely to find each other attractive.

3. How to deal with date nerves when you’re not drinking?

Who doesn’t feel jittery before an exciting rendezvous? Not using alcohol to quell these nerves can feel daunting. A couple of things you can give a whirl instead:

Relax

This may seem obvious but it is easier said than done. Figure out what works for you. Write or talk about your anxiety, maybe call a friend. Take a few deep breaths and try to get out of your own head.

Be comfortable

Wear what makes you feel the most comfortable (although maybe cover the basics like wearing shoes and having a shower) and schedule at a time that actually works for you. Some people like heading out straight after work so they don’t have time to dwell on their jitters, whereas others like to have some time to themselves beforehand.

Nerves can be good!

Your nerves could very well be indicating that there is something there. That is, chemistry. Alcohol typically dulls our sensory and emotional experience so without it we’re open to the raucous disarray of emotions that warp us when we’re under the spell of a potential new love. Of course, that doesn’t make the experience any easier, but try to reframe the experience in a way that embraces these jitters!

Go in with an open mind

Your date will probably be just as nervous as you. Plus, remember that you can’t control everything, it’s probable that throughout your lifetime you’ll have to sit through the good the bad and the ugly when it comes to dating. And the best part is that you’ll be learning about yourself all the way through . Of course that’s not to say it will go poorly! So maybe just imagine you’re going to see a mate to have a fun evening and approach the experience with an open mind.

4. How to date drinkers when you’re dating sober?

First of all, consider why you are dating this person in the first place? If you have similar interests or values, then whether or not you’re drinking likely won’t be a concern. But it can feel uncomfortable at first. Try to consider it from their point of view too. What is it like for them to date someone who isn’t drinking?

At the end of the day, if your date is not comfortable with you declining a drink, you may want to reconsider whether you really want to spend time with them. Because, what dating sober does, is allow you the clarity of mind and sensory sensitivity to more realistically perceive the chemistry between you.

Plus if you’re in the early stages of seeing someone, know that, while it helps to be honest, you don’t owe anyone your life story or the reasons why you’re not having a drink.

And on top of all of that, you may actually open their eyes to a world of non-alcohol related possibilities. They might just love you for that.