self love Archives | Hello Sunday Morning

The last time I drank alcohol was 1 year and 1 month ago.

Why was it so easy to give up drinking?

I can honestly say that there was no decision made to ‘stop drinking’. I simply didn’t have an urge to drink in the months that followed that last drink, and before I knew it, a year had past. Had I told myself back then ‘I’m not drinking for a year’, I probably would have been more likely to do the opposite. Instead, I stayed open to the possibility that I may have a drink if I wanted one in the moment. But I haven’t … yet.

Healthy replacements

When I reflect back on the last year and even the year before that, where I only drank alcohol on a couple of occasions, I see that in this time I had spent most of my weekends on courses learning about how we as human beings run our minds, about how we engage in thinking patterns, and completing my training in human development. Could it be that I have replaced my nights out with this new passion for understanding human behaviour? It seems so.

What I can see now is the more I learn about people and myself, the more I can see the distraction alcohol can provide from ‘reality’. I now no longer need to be distracted, as I am able to understand the impact that our thoughts can have, and the freedom that comes with that. I feel that we are often confusing our ‘constructed thoughts’ with what is real, and too often that results in giving ourselves a hard time.

Setting ourselves up for failure

When we tell ourselves we ‘shouldn’t’ or ‘must not’ do something, we are often more likely to engage in exactly that behaviour. And then if we do ‘fail’ in the goals we’ve set for ourselves, we struggle, judge ourselves, beat ourselves up over this. We feel disappointed or even angry in ourselves for this ‘failure’. We can spend hours, days, weeks feeling this way and as a result, keep repeating unhealthy patterns.

Be kinder to yourself

The less we impose rules on ourselves, the less we beat ourselves up over things, the more likely we are to live as the healthy human beings we want to be! The mind, and how we talk to ourselves, is often the cause of unhealthy cycles, more so than that glass of wine, piece of chocolate, big weekender or shopping spree!

So, can you give yourself a break, be kinder to yourself in those times where you were previously hard on yourself over something? What would that look like for you?

I made a choice in every moment over the last year not to drink alcohol, just as there may be a choice in another moment where I do drink. I am not resisting either as a possibility and I don’t burden myself with unhelpful thoughts anymore around what I ‘should’ be doing in any area of my life. Doing so would keep me stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle.

It’s not always easy to break these habitual patterns, but it is very possible with patience and, if necessary, help from others. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees, so I encourage anyone reading this to reach out for help if you are struggling yourself. You are never alone!

Anita Tomecki

June 17, 2018. The day that would change my life forever.

I started drinking at the young age of 14, and I fell in love with being drunk. It made life fun and entertaining, and turned me into a more sociable and likeable person. It helped ease my nerves in a social environment and made me not care what others thought about me. To be frank, it made me not care at all.

I liked the feeling of security and invincibility when I was intoxicated. It wasn’t until after years of drinking and getting older that I learned my lessons the hard way. I started experiencing the negative impact alcohol had on me but it still didn’t stop me. I was blind to it. I was too stubborn and delusional to admit I had a lost control with my drinking.

My drinking turned me into someone I hated

I would say and do things to family members and people I loved that I would regret years later. I would say and do whatever I wanted without thinking about the short- or long-term consequences.

Alcohol let me live in a distorted world where anything goes. I thought I was on top of the world and in control of everything, only to have the world fall apart and crush me underneath. After a failed relationship, I was no longer drinking for the same reasons I did when I was younger. It was no longer for pleasure, enjoyment or social gatherings; I was drinking to kill or at least ease pain, loneliness, self-pity, blame, anger, hatred, shame, guilt and depression. It was the end of the world. I was in a black hole. I felt like there was nothing left for me. I was literally trying to drink myself to death.

I couldn’t function normally without alcohol in my system

The only way to stop the sweating and shaking at night was to wake up and have a drink. I thought I could never break this vicious cycle, so I lost hope and accepted my defeat.

At this point, the few people who still loved and cared about me saw a version of me that nobody had seen before; a version of me that I never thought I could be. They knew I was battling demons stronger than I had thought possible. I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy or pity because the hard truth was I had put myself in the position I was in. I didn’t want to admit it, accept it or even face it.

I told myself that death had to be better than whatever this thing called life was, and by this stager my family had seen and heard enough. My parents mentioned the idea of sending me into a detox and rehab center for my drinking. I still can’t say how or why it happened but one day I could see how much my self-destructive drinking was hurting my family. Parents were watching a son, and brothers were watching a brother inch closer to his funeral.

I finally decided, after spending half of my life in denial, that I had a problem with my drinking and it was time to get help

So low was my self-regard that I feel that the decision to go into detox and rehab was done more for the sake of my family that for myself. Ironically, it was the first time in a long time that I wasn’t being selfish. I wanted to die but my family wanted me to live. It took a lot of courage and willpower for me to finally admit that I had a problem, and that it was time for change.

That decision started me on the road to controlling my life again. It gave me a higher sense of personal responsibility and ownership. I agreed to enter a detox and rehab center on June 17, 2018. The idea of entering a detox and rehab centre was terrifying at first. I asked myself, “how did I ever get to this point?” I told myself, “I’m nothing like these other people here, I don’t belong in a place like this.” But I realised on the very first day just how wrong I was.

We all shared an obvious weakness in common. However, we were also defiant, courageous and strong enough to admit we needed help. People like us come from all ages, backgrounds and walks of life, and if you saw us on the street you would not know that we had lost control of our drinking habits.

I came to understand how my choices and behaviours had affected people who’d had the misfortune of crossing paths with the old me. I acknowledged and accepted the chaos and destruction I’d inflicted on others – I had no choice but to. I was finally able to forgive myself for what I had done in the hope that, one day, those that I have harmed can forgive me, even though I may not deserve it.

The new, sober me has learned to love myself and others again

The new, sober me is the strongest version of me I’ve ever known. It was the longest, darkest and hardest battle I had ever fought. Accepting that I needed help allowed me to take back control of my life. It made me feel I was human again, and not an abomination to society. My only regret is not going through treatment sooner…but I also learned it’s never too late to seek help.

Written by Hello Sunday Morning supporter, Kevin Repass

One of the aims of a practice like yoga and meditation is to be able to slow down, calm the mind and to feel whatever arises for you.

It is important to have a way to connect back in with yourself, and that may be scary for some people. For those who have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, this may seem extremely difficult, as often people drink in order to numb challenging feelings and to escape whatever is happening in their mind or body. It is also very beneficial to have an outlet that allows you to be an observer of your thoughts and feelings, learning not to get so caught up in them.

Mindfulness / consciousness

Often when someone has been drinking regularly for a substantial period of time, they disconnect from their true selves and what their body is telling them. Yoga and meditation is an effective way to start unpacking this, as well as being a relaxing and calming method to reduce feelings of anxiety, stress or depression.

One of the goals of a yoga or meditation practice is to learn the skill to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings and sensations that arise when you are in a challenging yoga posture. These sensations can also come up through mediation and make it very hard to sit with. Working through these sensations and learning to cope with them through breath and staying in the present moment, allows us to have the ability to cope better with situations in our external lives. For example, when we come face-to-face with something that would usually cause us to drink, like a fight with a partner, we can have the awareness that it might be best for us to leave the situation and have some time alone. We can remove ourselves and sit with whatever feelings come up. That way we learn to work through any anger/hurt/sadness/grief and return to the person with a greater sense of calm and clarity of the situation.

Connection

Life is all about relationships; relationships with ourselves, with others, with alcohol etc. Relationships really come down to connection and understanding. There is a close relationship between the mind and the body, and yoga and mediation are a way to weave this together.

Yoga Teacher, Vytas Baskauskas, from California, spoke to Yoga Journal about finding sobriety through the 12 step program and a disciplined yoga practice.

“A lot of people come to AA to get sober, and yet they’re still riddled with physical maladies and imbalances… Yoga was challenging, and it opened my mind and my body. It enlivened places that had been dead for so long, and as I worked my body, I found a refuge, some relief from feeling like a prisoner of my own thoughts. When you’re an addict, you often have a hole in your life, and by filling it with the philosophy of yoga, God—whatever you want to call it—that’s a high too. But it’s a high that won’t kill your relationships, hurt your family, or your body.”

Routine

Knowing that you have to wake up at 6am to get to a class is a great way to have an excuse to go to bed early or leave an event early and not have too much to drink. If you are out on a Friday night with friends at a bar and there’s an amazing yoga class on tomorrow at your favourite studio – it can help you tune back into what you really need. You may find that having one more means you won’t get there.

Having an alternative way to relax, helps get you into a healthy routine, as you can take yourself to a yin yoga or meditation class to unwind, instead of meeting someone at a pub. Many people start to crave the feelings that are released after yoga or a mediation practice, and these can help to become your ‘therapy’. This is when change starts to happen if you do the work. No one is saying it will be easy, but forming habits like this gradually changes your lifestyle for the better!

No ego

In both of these mindful practices, you are taught to be kind to yourself and to remember to honour your limitations. You learn to find your edge with love and acceptance rather than judgment and discouragement. It doesn’t matter what you look like or whether you are ‘flexible enough’ or ‘strong enough’. No one judges you for being ‘bad’ at yoga or meditation, because there is no competition. It is a self-practice and each day is different and may feel different in your own body.

How do I get into mediation?

The Headspace app is a great place to start if you want to get into a regular practice. It offers free, easy and practical, 10 minute sessions to try, but there are loads of other apps and online videos!. You can also look up meditation classes in your local area if you prefer to go to a space to meditate with others.

How do I get into a yoga practice?

Setting yourself goals for a consistent weekly (if not daily) practice, is something that demonstrates a lot of self-discipline. If you have struggled with keeping at things in the past, a good idea may be to buy a membership to a yoga/meditation studio and that way you know you have paid and that might make you go! There are also thousands of apps and online videos to follow.

This yoga sequence from Yoga Journal was created for people who have or have had a dependency, and it has lovely little illustrations and affirmations for you to focus on in each posture. https://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/higher-ground

Just set up the computer somewhere you have space to roll out a mat or a towel and make sure you have uninterrupted time to work on your breath and follow the guide. Namaste.

“I have been drinking since time immemorial; so much so, I can’t pinpoint an exact
time in life where I didn’t indulge in alcohol to get through the day. What I did not realise is that I relied on booze to escape my pain, the kind that has no cure. Although I must admit, it got me far.”

Ever since my mother passed away, everything seemed surreal. Considering the fact
we had a tough childhood, barely making ends meet, it was our mother that got us
through the toughest of times. The sacrifices she had to make, slowly and eventually,
sucked the life out of her. I guess it is this guilt that eats me alive, seeing how when I
finally stood on my feet, there was little I could do to comfort her as she took her
last breath.

Now you know what caused me to lose myself to alcohol, you must understand it did me more harm than good

I could always rely on booze to drown my pain and sorrows, but it never allowed me
to recover. By recovery, I refer to a state of happiness. What is even more saddening
is I have a caring husband, with two adorable children and yet I feel sorrow. No
matter how hard I try, my past seems to haunt me. What I have realised is that
alcohol adds fuel to fire, making my life more miserable, although things were not as
bad as they seemed.

“The biggest drawback of alcohol consumption is that you lose your self-esteem. You
pity yourself while your confidence wavers.”

The purpose of sharing all this is so that others realise they are not alone. I wish for them to change their ways, for a healthier and prosperous future. Everything may seem well and good in the beginning. Eventually, there will come a time when it will be difficult to function without alcohol.

The affects of an alcohol dependancy

Since I was finding it difficult to deal with my addiction, I thought it necessary to do a bit of homework to find the motivation I needed to get myself sober and stay that way. Believe it or not, it worked! I got over alcohol for good and now I feel a lot more confident, happy and efficient. For this reason, I thought it necessary to share my experience.

The list of problems caused by alcohol can go on and on, with the most prominent of
them being lack of happiness, satisfaction, and self-esteem. Even though you may get rid of your drinking habit, your problems will not disappear into thin air. However, it will give you the breathing space you need to think with clarity, thus eradicating the chance of making terrible mistakes that could affect you and your family.

At the same time, you will learn new things about yourself

It will take some time before you reach your true potential where your self-esteem gives you the ability and confidence to build relationships with people that matter.

Eliminating alcohol from my life has done wonders for me. I feel positive, doing
whatever it takes to serve as a role model for my family, to show them they can aim
high and be happy, instead of punishing themselves for not being the person they
want to be. I’ve also put a limit on caffeine consumption and have made significant
changes to my eating habits to boost productivity.

As absurd as it may seem, small steps lead to big things, and that is a fact. Also, don’t
shy away from seeking professional help. The idea here is to grab whatever opportunity comes your way and make the most of it rather than complain about everything. This requires courage and self-belief, which is not all that difficult to gain.

No matter what problem you are dealing with, just know this, you are not alone.
Alcohol never was, and never will be the answer to your problems. If you are willing
to take a leap of faith, by taking small steps, you will never find the need to depend
on alcohol again.

If you do need support to change, check out Hello Sunday Morning’s behaviour change mobile program Daybreak.

Blog written by Hello Sunday Morning supporter, Jenny.

Today I am 236 days booze free.

A few years ago I could not have fathomed giving up my beloved wine for any extended period of time, despite trying many times. It was my release, it was my freedom, it was my friend. The reckless abandon it would give me meant that I could shut out the world and let off steam, and all my pressures and insecurities would go away. I drank to celebrate and commiserate, when I was happy and sad, when I was stressed and relaxed, when I was on holiday and at home, when I was with people and alone. There was always an excuse to have a drink.

Now when people ask me “How could you possibly give up? I could never do that!”, the reason for me is clear. It’s because it wasn’t about having to do it, it was about wanting to do it. It’s a choice I needed to make, and wanted to make, for me.

You can’t just quit overnight. I had been agonising over the decision for many years. Convincing myself my drinking was a problem, then convincing myself it wasn’t. All the while building ammunition. Recording and recalling all the stupid shit I have ever done while pissed. Revelling in my life’s worst hangovers, which seem to have happened in the last five years.

You see, in order to quit I had to take a good hard look at myself. Was I the person I really wanted to be? Was I achieving what I wanted to in life? Was I happy in the cycle of drink, hangover, guilt, repeat?

Did I truly love myself?

No, I didn’t.

I never considered myself to be an alcoholic, I didn’t fit the stereotypical profile. I didn’t drink every day, I didn’t drink excessively by Australian social standards, I didn’t drink if I was pregnant or driving and a lot of the time I would have a couple, and be completely in control. I was, and still am, a highly-functioning mother, partner and friend. But booze had a hold on me.

You grow tired of thinking about drinking all the time; who with, what for, which poison, when, how, where, was I going to try to set myself a limit, omg I’m so hungover, omg I’ve done it again, and the all-important questions: “Shall we Uber?” and “Shall we get another bottle?”

For me, there was a dilemma which was my downfall, what I like to call the ‘doozie’. They were the binge nights that snuck up on me like a stealth bomber (and bombs they were with the amount of damage in their wake). These disastrous nights would occur occasionally, and without warning. My doozie often resulted in all sorts of bullshit coming out of my mouth, poor decisions, blackouts, coming home in the early hours of the morning (and not remembering how), and THE most completely cataclysmic hangovers. The type where I literally. Could. Not. Move.

The off switch

You know that thing people call the ‘off switch’? That little voice in your head that says ”I’m done”? Well, sometimes mine would flick ON, and it WAS ON, and it flashed incessantly like a crazy beacon until I couldn’t speak, it was 4am, or I’d run out of money. Or all of the above.

What backed up the hangover was the shame. The shame would eat me alive like insidious rats gnawing at my flesh. Of what a stupid person I was. Of why I couldn’t stop sculling vodkas on the random crazy binge nights. Of what I was doing to my body. Of the icky and sometimes dangerous situations I got myself into. Of the conflicts with people as a result of my poor behaviour. Of what a crap mother I was when I was hung.

So, I quit drinking. Just like that. One life-changing Monday morning in late August 2017, I woke fully clothed not knowing when or how I got to bed. A quiet Sunday lunch had somehow gone awry. How the fuck did that happen? Again? I opened my stinging eyes, tasted metal, and waited a moment for the pain – there it was, my splitting skull. Slowly, breath after breath, the shame crept in. That was the moment I knew that I was going to take an extended break from alcohol.

The first few weeks were oh so tough, I was terrified of living alcohol-free. As my body detoxed, emotions flooded out, and I had to learn a new (and often awkward) way of socialising. Some of my relationships have changed, only because I have changed. But I actually quite like the perfectly imperfect shame-free me, although I’m still finding out who she is. I’ve been on a rocky rollercoaster of emotions as suppressed feelings have busted out, but it’s been equally rich in soulful bliss!

One day at a time

Forever without drinking seems too much to fathom, so I’m taking each day as it comes. I have achieved more in the last seven months than I ever thought I could. I’m writing a book. I’ve started a course in mental health. I’ve launched my blog. I’ve sorted things around the house that I’ve been looking at for years. I’m more present with my girls. Restful sleep. Bright eyes. New friends. Active past times. Glimpses of pure happiness at seemingly menial things. Those head-to-toe tingles are REAL, not instigated by booze anymore.

And going out without alcohol? I’ve realised I am still fun. I can still be funny. And I can still have fun. And in the morning, I feel a million bucks!

Love Cobes

xxx

Need some help to get to a good place with your drinking or not drinking? Download Daybreak and chat to a trained health coach and set your goals.

Returning home after a trip around the world has taught me something valuable about self-love. It’s a busy world, and you’ll feel overwhelmed if you don’t know how to communicate with yourself and listen to your needs. Culture means to be connected, but sometimes we lose contact with ourselves when we search for a connection with others. Sometimes you realise that you have never been connected to yourself.

My teenage and young adult years were extremely fun and extremely horrible at the same time. I needed alcohol to feel okay with who I was. Without being drunk I didn’t really allow myself to have fun, and I always wanted to have fun. For me, it wasn’t like I felt great and thought a drink or two could make me feel even better. I felt out of place, lost, unwanted, stiff, and stressed-out unless I was drunk. I couldn’t see the fun in doing things without drinking, and anything was fun if I could only be drunk doing it.

Strangely enough, it wasn’t like I felt great drinking, either. Once I started I only felt content if I had a new drink in my hand or knew that I had access to more. I rarely enjoyed the moment; I only chased getting drunker. And drunker I got, but not happier.

It felt like someone had sucked the soul out of me whenever I woke up from my drunkenness. Days after drinking I still felt like I would never be able to experience joy again.

Why did I allow myself to drink every week if I knew I would feel so rotten for so many days after?

Alcohol was a part of who I believed I was. I didn’t know who I could be without it. I didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol. Honestly, I thought that a life without alcohol wasn’t worth living. Partying was all that kept me searching for more. I didn’t even care what party I went to, as long as it meant that I could get drunk.

As a 27-year-old woman who has been through a lot of psychologists, self-help books, podcasts, and treatments, I know that I have a lot of knowledge and inspiration to share with the world. Sharing is good for those who are struggling themselves and also for parents, teachers and other people related to someone who is struggling. It opens up a gateway through which people can relate, understand and then offer help.

This is why I wrote the book, Free The Girl – A story about (finding) self-love,
and share my experiences with feeling like shit. Our minds are scared of change–that’s why it is hard to break habits–but change is just one decision away.

Hot tips for self-love

If alcohol affects you negatively, here are my tips on self-love and how to work with yourself.

To get a grasp of your own relationship with alcohol, ask yourself, ‘Why do I drink?’. If you answer ‘because it tastes good’ then ask yourself if you would choose a non-alcoholic drink if it tasted exactly the same. If not, then why do you drink?

The point of answering this question is to be truthful with yourself. Our brains love to make up excuses for why we do things, but if you ask yourself and really listen in, you often feel the real truth inside.

If you would like to take a break from drinking but it feels like a long stretch, set a reasonable goal. Start with one month if two feels overwhelming. Put the month into a bigger perspective: what is 30 days of your life without alcohol, really? Isn’t it worth giving your body, liver and head a little rest? A month just to check in and see if you feel different, maybe even better than you currently do. Aren’t you curious about how much energy you might get? Wouldn’t it be great to look back and celebrate that you could do it? At the end of the day, it is just a test to see if your life can improve.

Prepare for your time off alcohol and make a list of things to do instead:

Write a list of positive outcomes. What will you get out of taking a break? Put your list on your fridge and read it every time things get hard.
Check if someone wants to do it with you. In that case, you can hang out together if all your other friends are out clubbing. Or you can both go out with your friends if you feel like you’ll be okay not drinking.
What did you use to do when you were younger, before you started drinking? Is there a hobby you have benched?
Visit your grandparents or other relatives that you don’t see often
Catch up on your reading
Use this time to really pamper yourself. Eat healthy food, get outdoors for some natural sunlight, go to bed on time – view it as a spring clean-out!

If you need more inspiration to get this list going, try to put on a seven-minute timer and write down anything that comes to mind that makes you lose track of time or that you simply enjoy doing.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself.

Speak to yourself like you would speak to your child or best friend. Cut yourself some slack! Keep in mind that it is okay to not always feel amazing. Allow your mind and body to just be, and say to yourself that it is okay. Right now, what I feel is what I feel, how I am is how I am – and right now, that is okay. Life is so much more than we can describe it in words. Follow your interests, follow your happiness and don’t limit yourself to what you know!

Maya Kiusalaas | www.mymondaylove.com